"This is the worst part of my job"...how my battle with cancer began

Tuesday, May 21st

8 words.  That's how this whole thing started.  My ENT (ear nose throat) Dr. Siegel, who is a great guy regardless of the news he delivered to me, started his discussion with me and my wife Denise by saying, "This is the worst part of my job".  The rest of that visit was a real kick in the teeth.  "You have stage 3 malignant throat cancer".  I wanted to reach out and punch the little bastard right in the mouth just to shut him up.  I think I said 2 words, though I don't remember what they were, got up, walked out, got in the car and drove home without another word between Denise and I.  (Now that I think of it, was I supposed to stop at the counter and pay a copay to them for sharing that great news?)  I know for a fact we both had some tears in our eyes, but nothing was said.  We were both a little shocked I'm sure.  I just wanted to stay as calm as possible and not share the thoughts and emotions I was feeling until I could be stronger than I felt at that time.  Probably not the healthiest approach and I won't argue with you.  It's how I deal, and everyone has to do it their own way.

So what goes through your mind when you get told you have cancer.  Is it shock, fear, sadness, anger?  Honestly, I guess what I felt was fear, but not for me.  It was a fear that I may leave my beautiful wife and two stunningly beautiful daughters without ever seeing the things a Dad dreams of seeing.  Graduation, marriage (to some man I guarantee you I will not like no matter how good a person he is!), dreams fulfilled, grandkids to spoil and all the day to day fun you live for every day.  That's what got me the most.  The things I'd be missing.  It wasn't the fear of dying, it was the fear of not living.  Maybe that's the same thing, but I don't think it is.

So I'm 30 minutes into knowing and now what.  I have an oncologist appointment they already scheduled for me at 6 tonight.  It's 10:30 now.  So what does a newly christened cancer patient do in the meantime?  Well, for me it was easy.  My 11 year old wanted a garden.  We had put it off for a couple weeks.  I ran to Lowes, bought the lumber, went to the landscape place and loaded up with loam.  I built her a garden with tears and sweat mixing together but helping me come to grips with what was happening.  Pretty nice garden actually.  Glad I knocked that off.  One less thing to worry about.

I asked Denise to call my parents.  Something about telling your parents told me I wouldn't handle it the way I wanted to handle it.  Unemotionally and factually.  I knew I wasn't ready.  Then, as I was shoveling loam in 90 degree sun, I started to release and felt more in control.  I called my parents and started to tell them.  It was all good until my dad said, "remember, you have two beautiful little girls to worry about" and I lost it.  I've never sobbed in my life, until that moment.  I hung up on him.  I was angry and bitter and the fear of leaving them was back in a rush that just floored me.  For the next ten minutes I sent shovel fulls of dirt flying across the yard with very little actually hitting the garden but the physical release helped me get in control again, at least to some degree.

Funny story, though I feel horrible about it happening, at the oncologist appointment.  Denise and I show up at the medical building.  THe doors are locked.  So we go down to the loading dock and sneak in.  Only 2 cars in the whole parking lot.  I see a janitor and ask where suite 101 is.  He looks at me with a blank stare for 20 seconds but says nothing.  I repeat, do you know where suite 101 is?  Blank stare again.  Then I realize he doesn't speak a word of english.  So Denise and I are wandering around this huge building with no idea where the Oncologist is.  We finally find him, go in the waiting room, and nobody is there.  I say "hello, is anyone here".  I wait a minute then, a little louder, "hello, is anyone there".  I look at the sign for the Dr and it says he is a PCP/Oncologist.  Great I think, I have a primary care physician who dabbles with chemo on the side as my go to guy in my battle with cancer.  Well, how can I lose this battle?  Now I'm getting pissed, and admittedly my emotions were slightly askew at this point anyway.....HELLO, WHERE IS ANYONE!!!! sneaks out of me.  Finally a guy walks out and says "the dr is in, he is with a patient".  That's when I felt horrible.  He was clearly consulting with someone but how the hell was I supposed to know.  Put a sign in the window, have an admin in the office, answer me the first 3 times you heard me say hello, something.  Fortunately we parted ways shortly after and I reached out to Dana Farber for a second opinion.

So in my next post I will talk a little about what led me to the ENT in the first place, what I have learned so far, what Dana Farber had to say, and how I feel heading into my first treatment on June 25th, also my Mom's birthday!!