Hawkeye masterfully captures the emotional impact of horrific news

I am 9 days into the recovery period now and it has definitely continued to go downhill here in the early going.  The sickness is pretty much daily at some level and some days it is just brutal.  Denise and I had a review with our nurse practitioner today (Jason) and on the positive side, the weight is fairly stable, and he said we are nearing the end of the declining stage.  He thinks another week (so day 16-20 range) we should start to stabilize.

The helplessness really kicks in now.  As we discuss options and we come up with ways to make it not suck so bad, I have to laugh as I think of some of the options.

Option: "Just as you start throwing up, take this pill and see if it shortens the sickness time by a minute or so"....

Mark's view of this option..."look man, what do you want from me.  You basically poisoned me 3 times then sent me on a 7 week vacation to Chernobyl.  The treat being offered to me now is let's see if we can get my puking down from 15 minutes to 14 by trying these other drugs while I'm still in the process of hurling.  Well hold me down and butter my biscuit again, where do I sign up for this!

Humor aside, I know and I trust all these people that they are doing everything they can, but at some point it does become a grin and bear it approach for the patient.  When the Dr is literally trying to help me make 1 minute improvements to the problem, I need to step back and say "Doc, you are doing a great job, how about I let Mr Manhood step in here and save some of your efforts and I live through that extra minute?"  If he had a cure or way to prevent the sickness, sure let's experiment away, but if I'm going to make this hard working angel of mercy waste his time on me to get 1 minute save, let's move on...

Outside of the sickness, everything else is pretty good.  My energy goes away immediately still but tha's all a cause from the chemo.  If I help Denise wash dishes I'm ready for a nap.  The energy level due to the chemo is really decreased.  Makes all the normal chores difficult to do.......Good thing we had kids!!!!! YAHOOOOO!!!

Who out there is a M*A*S*H fan.  Probably most if not all.  Well I was watching an episode where Hawkeye gets blinded by a flash of light while trying to light a heater for the nurses (of course if was for the nurses, this is Hawkeye after all).  He is lying in bed and the Army's expert opthamologist is there helping him.  At this point he has checked his eyes out, dressed the area, and now it is a time of wait and see if treatments worked (hmmm, where have I been involved in something like that).  Of course everyone in the camp is around at this point but his truly best friend BJ is there as well.  BJ says, "I'll stop by and see you again in a while as he gets up to walk away".  Even with bandages on you can see the panic in Hawkeye as he reaches for BJ's hand and grabs it as tightly as he can and says, "BJ, BJ, BJ! at least a couple hundred times a day".  BJ immediately abandons any attempt at a joke here, which he and Hawkeye normally would do based on their character type, because he sees and feels Hawk's panic and anxiety at this moment.  He does two simple things, he steps closer to Hawk, and in a softer voice to make it more personal says, "I will Hawk, I will".

Why did this stick with me when normally this scene would have been a good one for a bathroom break, it's because I had this happen so many times with my friends throughout this process.  When I first heard about it you all know what I went through from my first couple blogs.  It wasn't fun.  And many of you were there to say you were routing for me, call me if you need anything, if you want to vent just call me at any time and many other offers for support.  And they all came rapid fire and were very sincere.  What caught me in this scene was just how many BJ Honeycutt's I am lucky enough to call a friend vs all the background people that were standing around Hawkeye's bed but were clearly background only.  It's the people that keep calling, writing, texting, sending cards and doing the little things that keep you fighting and looking forward to seeing or hearing from those people that are so important to you.  And it's been everyone.   I am flabbergasted at how everyone has stuck with me.  I've been at this for 9 weeks now.  I can barely stand myself for 9 weeks, how can all of you?

For example today I received a subscription to Patriots Football Weekly out of the blue.  I also got a card today that explained who it came from.  Thanks to the person responsible (I want to refrain from identifying people as it may make it feel like I don't appreciate everything that everyone is doing).  I also received a gift card to North End Deli which is huge with the kids going back to school and needing all their lunch meats etc..  I received a prayer card from a cousin, about 10 separate texts asking what we needed help with, are the kids ready for school, any supplies, yard work etc. needed.  This is 9 weeks later.  But unlike 9 weeks ago when I would have missed the significance of everyone staying with me through the whole ordeal, I know the fear Hawkeye felt.  The uncertainty, the lack of knowing what to expect, when to expect it, and how it ends (and the how it ends episode is still in draft remember...).

Even more important is I feel bad at times when people call to talk and I'm just not up to it.  I feel bad.  I always feel like if you found me important enough to take time out of your day, then damn it I should do anything I can to get my butt up and either come down to see you, get on the phone write or whatever it is you want.  You all are the first to sense in my voice (or lack of voice) and are the first to say 'go get some rest, call me when you need something or just to talk.  Just use me when you need to that's all I ask'.  That's such a powerful message and please don't ever forget that.  The offer to help is huge.  Understanding that sometimes even a phone conversation is exhausting but leaving it out there at all times as an option is huge.

Thanks everyone.  Your love is felt, I'm fighting the good fight with your help, and I intend to finish this like a well run EMC sales campaign, with a Victory at the end and celebration dinner that gets rejected if I try to expense it (sure I got a chuckle from my field folks)!

Cheers
Mark.